The Dos and Don’ts of Supporting Someone Who is Grieving
By Liberty Hunnable
Experiencing the loss of a loved one is often a daunting and confusing time involving feelings of helplessness and despair among others. Moreover, it can be difficult to know how to deal with these feelings or get through this time. Grief is not only an emotional roller-coaster for the person who has lost someone, but it is also greatly challenging for those around them. Below are some signs that someone around you might be struggling with a loss:
They have become extremely isolated and fail to socialise with friends
They have turned to other substances as a coping mechanism, such as drugs or alcohol
They are no longer able to perform everyday activities such as getting out of bed and washing
They experience a serious state of confusion or memory loss
So, what might be helpful or unhelpful when considering ways we can support someone experiencing grief?
Firstly, The Don’ts…
Don’t pressure a conversation
Whilst checking in on those experiencing a loss is important, it is worth considering the tone of voice and sensitivity you use when approaching them. Don’t ask repeated questions about their loved one as this can often trigger feelings of vulnerability which may make them feel unable to have a natural conversation. They might find it difficult to engage in a conversation with you if they feel like you are pressurising them to open up, so it’s important to allow them to open up in their own time and in an environment they feel comfortable in.
Don’t be overly positive
It can seem obvious to shower someone with positivity after experiencing a loss, however it is important to try and judge the situation first. Grief exerts several conflicting emotions; one of those being anger. For example, if someone is feeling angry and resentful about the loss of a loved one, then being overly positive may only exacerbate their irritability. Therefore, whilst being positive is important, it is crucial that a healthy balance is maintained to match how the individual is feeling at that point in time.
Don’t compare their behaviour to before their bereavement
Blasé statements such as ‘you’ve changed’ can emphasise the confusing emotions that someone is experiencing. Even if you intend this statement to be interpreted in a positive way, someone who is feeling sad might not receive it in a positive light and it may only exaggerate the void they feel in their life. It is completely normal for grief to make you feel like you have changed as a person, however it is important not to magnify this point. Try to focus on the ‘Do’s’ below and simply being there with them during this time without judgement.
Now, The Dos…
Do understand that every individual is different
What makes grief so complex is that it is not a ‘one size fits all’ approach. Once time has passed and you can begin to understand what might be helpful or unhelpful, then you are able to give tailored support. This enables the person experiencing grief to trust that you understand them, allowing them to lean on you if needed. Understanding the pace they are moving at allows you to give support as and when needed – it can be useful to remember that you are being guided by them, not the other way around.
Do consider accessing free helplines
Whether it is for you or the person you are supporting, there is always someone who wants to listen and help you. Visit the mind website here for more information.
Do try counselling if needed
With family members or loved ones feelings to consider, our thoughts can often be more complicated because we are conscious of what they might think and do not want to upset anyone. Therefore, talking to someone we don’t know and who has no prejudices against us can be a beneficial way of expressing our emotions whilst receiving professional guidance.
Do write down your feelings
Writing down your feelings is a private process meaning you can express yourself freely as it will not be shared with anyone else. This process can help you to rationalise your feelings and stop a build-up of emotion which can be detrimental overtime. It may even be useful to write a letter to the person you are supporting if this allows you to express how you feel in an authentic way, fostering a greater understanding between you both.
Concluding point
Though it is important to always be mindful of the situation and learn to understand how each individual reacts, as long as you are there for each other than that is all you can ask. Do not put pressure on yourself to try and ‘fix’ them as the healing journey takes time and is personal to each individual. Simply asking ‘How can I support you through this time?’ can be a good way to let them know you are there for them from the beginning. Lastly, to learn more about how to support others, visit mind.org.uk.