Grief and Me: Life as a 20-something experiencing grief for the first time
By Millie Sherwood
Hello, my name is Millie. I am 23 years old and I lost my Mum just over a year ago, four months after her diagnosis with primary bowel cancer. This was my first experience losing someone and it was an overwhelming experience of emotions, thoughts and feelings to say the least. Since then, I’ve become interested in how myself and others process grief, and I wanted to share my personal experience and what has helped me to process and heal throughout this period.
Firstly, what is grief?
Grief is described as the response someone has, emotionally, physically and psychologically, to the loss of someone or something which is no longer here.
My 3 biggest lessons on grief:
1. Grief is not linear
No year, month, week or day will be the same and that is okay. It is important to honour every emotion, thought and feeling that you experience as you try to comprehend the loss you have suffered. I often find it easier to take each day as it comes and simply focus on what I need to deal with on that day. It’s also important not to feel guilty about what you feel; whether that be sadness, happiness, anger, or anxiousness. Each feeling helps you to heal in one way or another.
A lot of people would tell me “It gets easier”, which is something I never thought I would agree with. However, I have found that while it may feel easier as time goes on, grief will never go away, because I will forever miss my mum. But instead, as time passes you will find ways to cope and you will learn to adapt to a life without them, which is what starts to feel easier, and not the actual process of grief itself.
2. No two people experience grief in the same way
I remember when I would initially tell people about my mum’s diagnosis or when I saw people for the first time after her death, people would bravely share their own experiences of loss with me. Though I know it is only from a place of kindness and sympathy, I used to think to myself “but you don’t know exactly what I am going through, you don’t really understand”, which I still believe to be true.
Even as someone who has lost their mum, I will never be able to fully relate to someone else, even my own sister, who has gone through the same. Our circumstances, emotions, relationship with the loved one and previous encounters with loss, will all change our experience of grief massively, it is truly personal to each individual.
3. Talk and take time
As with any challenging mental or emotional time, it is so important to talk to others. This can be anyone that you feel comfortable opening up to. There can often be so many thoughts circling around your head that sometimes saying them out loud can be a really good way of making sense of them as it offers a way for you to process and decompartmentalise all those tricky and sometimes scary feelings.
It’s okay to say something like, “I really need someone to talk to about what I’m going through and it would be great if you could just listen to how I’ve been feeling.” As I mentioned before, it can be hard when people are trying to be positive or relate to your situation, when you simply just want someone to listen to you.
On the other hand, it’s okay if you just want to take time for yourself. I had lots of friends and family coming round after my mum passed away and it was hard. Sometimes I just wanted to be left alone and to be in my own company. So it’s okay to set that boundary for yourself and take yourself out of situations where you are feeling overwhelmed. You could send a quick message saying “I just need some time to myself at the moment to process everything and I’ll reach out when I’m feeling up to it.” This is your journey and time to heal. And after all, the people around you just want to support you in the best way they can, and sometimes they might not be aware of what your needs are at that moment, so it’s okay to let them know.
What I hope you can take home from this:
Grief can often be seen as a negative and taboo topic, so I hope this can be a starting point to help even just one person who may be struggling with grief, or help others understand what grief is like. And as a final note to those who may be experiencing grief, remember that while you may feel like no one truly understands what you are going through, it still helps massively to reach out to others and seek support from friends, family and anyone else you feel safe to share with.